Saturday, February 26, 2011

"This is Texas...everyone has a gun. My florist has a gun!"

Translation: I have seen something quite like this video happen in real life. And yes, it only makes me miss Texas even more...

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

If even a chuckle does not arise or a smirk grace your mug after you've watched that video, you've probably never been to the South.

Small update- I just got back from Florida Tuesday, and leave for New Mexico again tomorrow. Along with all the traveling and trying to write my dissertation my head is about to explode and sarcasm creativity has ceased to flow through my veins. As soon as the next two weeks are over, I expect to be back to my less hectic, regularly scheduled programming. So if my blogging is scarce, you know why!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Back to the warm sunny South tomorrow!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Welcome to the Sunshine state...

Translation: I can feel my face again!!!

So I bring tidings from Bradenton, FL...which looks like this:

And compared to what I am used to:

...It just doesn't seem possible that these two places can exist in the same country, let alone planet. Personally I think winter should be illegal. Apparently that "inconvenient truth" Al Gore told us about was nothing more than a lie to anyone living in the Midwest.

Anyway, I've gotten to see some pretty awesome stuff since I've been here, and even pet a stingray today at the aquarium because I was experiencing one of those rare instances some people call "being adventurous." And it felt like silly putty, no lie (the stingray- not my sense of adventure. Close though).

My only gripe about Florida is that every drink doesn't come with a tiny souvenir umbrella in it. I mean, this place is in a constant state of spring break, it's a crime I tell you! Also, Florida- how bout you share the wealth? I've seen more Lambo's, Ferrari's, and Maserati's in the past 24 hours than I ever did at the flippin' Detroit Auto Show. WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO FOR A LIVING? Seriously, everyone living in this state can't possibly be a plastic surgeon.

Either way, I think we all know I'm just glad I'm on the opposite side of the state that season 2 of Jersey Shore was filmed on. But occasionally when I catch a whiff of stanky ocean air...I shudder and think about the crimes committed upon Florida beaches when gallons of hair gel, spray tan, and the herp were introduced to the ocean by the cast. Coincidentally, didn't the BP oil leak occur at about the same time? Clearly BP was just trying to fight fire with fire.

I'm off to find an umbrella to stick in my bottle of Miller, and perhaps a crazy straw. If you don't hear from me by next week, know I've found a bar that caters to both these requirements, and may never set foot in Michigan ever again.

Monday, February 14, 2011

"I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around."

Translation: I am well versed in the hurry up and wait method.

It has been awhile since my blog and I have had the fortune of spending some time together. I just returned to Michigan after spending a (colder than I'd like) week in New Mexico with my boyfriend for our anniversary. In three days I will be return to the Detroit airport to fly to (a hopefully sunny) Florida.

Either way, my body has been and will be through more TSA scans than I'd ever care to take part in. Its awkward you know somewhere someone is looking at you and your entire body leaving little to the imagination, but it is outright cringe worthy during the 30-60 seconds you have to wait while there is TSA agent all up in your personal space bubble receiving information over your body scan in his headset. I tried making small talk during this encounter but it only seemed to cheapen the experience as I stood there doe eyed, striped pink fuzzy socks exposed for the terminal to see (fortunately the body scan was not, and bonus- I actually wore a pair of matching socks for once).

Four days after returning from Florida and a couple work assignments, it will be back to the airport to return to New Mexico, this time around to take care of my boyfriend after he gets his wisdom teeth yanked out of his head. Lucky for him, I make a mean batch of jello. Unlucky for him, we have a three hour drive to and from the place where he is having his surgery.

Why is that unlucky? Not because I am a spastic traveler- but because he drives a stick shift. The Von Devious is a lazy American who hasn't driven a manual transmission car in like 6 years. I am going to have to duct tape his head to the headrest to keep him from jerking around and bashing his head in whilst I stall out and he succumbs to a Vicodin induced stupor (jeaaaaalous).

I'm told re-learning how to drive a stick is similar to riding a bike. Yet another thing I haven't done in almost a decade. I am accident prone and impatient, so this should provide excellent fodder for a new blog post. I am going to turn what I perceive will be an epic test of my boyfriend's ability to handle me during a melt down into a positive experience. If anyone knows of a stock car simulator in the Detroit area, fill me in. I'd like to make this a far less humiliating and invasive experience than going through airport security will be...

I wonder when I can add TSA to my PPO?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'm not confused...I'm just well mixed.

Translation: Dear readers, there are aspects of this life that genuinely baffle me (surprisingly it doesn't happen as often as you might think...especially since I can't blame the lack of understanding on blonde hair anymore). So I ask you the following questions...

1. Why the hell are glasses and contacts so expensive?! I got a new pair of glasses yesterday (RIP glasses I wore for 10 years), and I'm not talking "baller status" glasses- just a nice pair of DKNY's and a 5 minute exam...well over 300 bucks for the whole shebang. As if the good people at Lenscrafter's just wanted to say, "thank you for having terrible eye sight so we can reap the benefits." To that I say, you're most welcome...Lord knows I wanted to be BLIND. Because it's totally comforting to know in the middle of the night when something makes a sudden noise and I wake up I could be face to face with a serial killer and I'd be none the wiser. Hooray for my misshapen corneas!

2. Does my life belong on the D-list? This is a sub-rant about my experience at Lenscrafter's. I was told by a worker that I look like Kathy Griffin. I will be dying my hair a darker shade of red immediately, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to recover from said statement. Even though the woman who made that comment bore a striking resemblance to Tonya Harding (in lieu of repeatedly beating my knee caps she instead cold clocked my pride).

3. This is more of an observation that confuses me and not really a question, but I just finished watching the movie "Going the Distance." It was funny (God bless Charlie Day and Jim Gaffigan), but in all seriousness, being in a long distance relationship is not nearly as hard as shows and films make them out to be. Because if you truly love someone, that feeling transcends the miles. It can be so unbelievably frustrating to be apart, but patience is key...and is also something most people just don't have when it comes to relationships I suppose. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. Is it ideal? No. I would love to be able to fall asleep next to the man I love every night. But right now I do not get it makes the time we do get to spend together mean that much more. In a way I feel very fortunate, because I know we do not take each other for granted the way other people who see each other every day have a tendency to do.

4. Now, on a completely different note- why can't every diet be this awesome?

5. Is the apocalypse about to hit, or what? I'm told the snow storm of death is sweeping the country. My hometown virtually shut down due to icing and probably 3 centimeters of snow (huge deal in West Texas) and we're looking at getting two feet over night here in Michigan. People are scrambling to the grocery store to buy food in a manner reminiscent of Y2K (Yes, we survived) or a zombie apocalypse (in which case you should buy ammo, not bread). I'm going to be on the look out for locusts and frogs...because even if it is 10 degrees outside I'm told they're excellent indicators that the end of the world is upon us. And I'm sorry, but all this talk of the world ending...I can't NOT post this:

I know I've snuck that video into an older blog post, but's so funny I sincerely hope if the world ends tonight it goes down a little something like that. But if it could kindly hold off and clear up by Saturday (so as not to disrupt my flights), that would be great.