Friday, March 11, 2011

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

Translation: Well it’s that time of year again…the time when I remember, ‘oh yeah, I’m Catholic…I’ve been doing my job all year by not going to church unless forced to for Christmas or Easter…but I better give up something for Lent so I’m not a total heathen.’

The past few years I have given up quite an array of items during Lent. I’d like to present you a list of some of the random things I have abstained from for 40 days (which is like eight years when you’re as A.D.D. as I am):

Smoking…I’d like to say this one worked, I really would. The whole idea behind Lent is you give it up, with the hope at the end of those 40 days, you can keep on trucking along without it. I tried giving up the smokes for three years in a row, no dice. One random ass day I just decided I didn’t want to smoke anymore, and that’s all she wrote. Haven’t bought a pack in almost a year, and at that point I would only smoke when I drank. Cigarettes were such a dirty vice. Such a smooth, menthol-y delicious vice…wait. Back tracking here, that could be the Screwdriver talking…speaking of…

Drinking…now, I did my fair share of drinking people twice my size under the table on a regular basis from about age 18-23. But when I moved from my bar-riddled hometown, I realized what it felt like to go an entire WEEK without a hangover, and I never looked back. But when I still lived in Angelo, I attempted to give up booze for Lent with about as much success as Kristie Allie had with Jenny Craig. Vodka, I can’t quit you. But now I enjoy your company strictly in moderation, you’re welcome, people I used to drunk text. I’m pretty sure over 50% of the area code 325 entries on TFLN are from me.

Chocolate…I am starting to see a theme here…it’s almost like I want to fail at being Catholic.

Taco Bell…oh dear readers, my love of the Bell is no secret to you all. Last year, I decided to try and up the ante and be healthier with my food choices considering I worked really odd hours. I ate Toxic Hell about three times a week back then, and the decision to give it up was carefully calculated. And I’m proud to say, I did it. Even when my coworkers would bring in the Bell and I had to resist the urge to kill them and eat their burrito, I stayed strong. I abstained from cheesy potatoes until I thought I was going to die. And after Lent was over, I went out, had far too much vodka, and ended up at a Taco Bell for what I might vaguely recall, was one of the best meals I have ever eaten in my life. But I lasted the 40 days! I am finally heading in the right direction. When I’m at those Pearly Gates, I will pinpoint that year of Lent in particular to try and smooth things over.

In keeping with last year’s theme (and prepping for bikini season) I have decided to give up fast food for Lent this year. So as I am preparing a healthy meal of soy-lemon baked pork chops earlier, my mother shoots me a picture message from their road trip to Texas…innocent enough…until I realize the picture is of Chick-fil-a, undoubtedly the best fast food experience EVER. Even over Taco Bell. Quite frankly, if I still lived in Texas I would give up all fast food BUT Chick-fil-a…because they’re good christianly folks who close Sundays so we can take a break from greasy fried chicken goodness and roll our asses into church.

And on the other side of the coin, here are things I wouldn’t mind giving up for 40 days but I fear would be “frowned upon:”
-Wearing makeup
-Any and all media coverage of Charlie Sheen
-Michigan driving

My boyfriend has decided to give up shaving for “Mustache March.” It’s an Air Force thing. I told him he should be glad I live clear across the country because if I had to look at him with a hipster pedo stache I’d shave it in his sleep.


On a completely unrelated note, I am done with my evil 50 page research project I have been working on the past six weeks, and will be staying put in Michigan for a couple months. So now that my traveling and workload have essentially been nixed, expect to see much more of me. Instead of a ghost of a distant, somewhat funny, but mostly awkward memory, I will be annoying your blogstream at least two times a week. That is a promise. And it's not the vodka talking.

Kat Von Smirnoff just doesn't have quite as nice a ring to it.


  1. Fast food? Weak. Give up something hard! Wait... that's what she said.

    I've heard of mustache march... I'm out. I'm almost 28 and I grow the beard of an acne riddled 13 year old.


    I go for a scruffy House look. Sort of.

    PS I give up NOTHING

    In fact, I added something. All techno music in my car, for an entire week. Yup. Day 2 already.


  2. haha Caleb you always crack me up. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is 24 and his facial hair still grows patchy...he's going to end up looking like Hitler I can already see it.

    And when you like cheeseburgers as much as I do, giving up fast food is a challenge! A wonder I don't weigh 300 pounds, I eat like a linebacker.

  3. LOL. I'm an ex-Cath-o-lic, so I get it.

    For Lent this year, I'm just giving up.

  4. hahaha Duchess, that sounds about right...on some level all Catholics are ex Catholics!


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