"The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming won't be optional."*

Translation: In the past 48 hours I have experienced what I shall refer to as “the bipolar weather effect on humanity” or more simply put “More proof Mother Nature owns us all.”

Let me set the scene…

On Saturday it was about 5 degrees, snow would not stop falling, negative wind chill with breezes averaging in the 30mph zone. The sky was gray, the cold air pummeled through me with a force I’d imagine similar to being sacked by Jared Allen (however in that event I’d hope the ending would be very different).

On Sunday (also known as “today”) it was still only about 8 degrees. BUT- there was no more blizzard. The skies were clear and BLUE (I had forgotten that is what color the sky is supposed to be), the sun was shining, reflecting upon the snow and making it glisten like the largest of Cartier diamonds..mmm sparkley…I even saw a Blue Jay land on the tree outside my dressing room window. It was like a scene from Bambi. You know, before the horror ensued.

Ok, thanks to my elaborate capabilities as a writer, the scene has been painted. Why you ask? Because in the past 48 hours I have seen people go from acting like complete jerks (you'd think everyone who lived up here was French. Don't get all defensive, I'm French Canadian in heritage I can hate all I want), to the politest members of society (think British).

On Saturday I nearly got body slammed in a Walmart, ran over in a parking lot (SURPRISE- also at the Walmart), and dealt with what I have to assume were people who did not understand the meaning of a stop sign.

On Sunday I had a man hold the door OPEN for me at the library, was assisted by the politest staff member to ever work the self check area at Meijer, and the roads were smooooooth sailing in my mother’s new Cadillac.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is: WINTER- YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. I don’t ski, I don’t snowboard, ice fishing has got to be the stupidest excuse for drinking beer EVER (hint- you never need an excuse to crack a cold one), and I sadly do not own a snowmobile.

However, I like wearing bikinis, swimming pools, boating (or drinking beer in a docked boat), running, generally being able to feel my face while I’m outside, and never fearing if my car will suddenly decide it no longer likes the road and skids off to commit suicide on black ice…this has yet to happen but now that I’ve said it 5 bucks says I don’t make it to work tomorrow because I hit some.

I’m not the skinniest person in the world, but dammit I lack the layering to survive a winter this cold. So to cheer myself up from the winter funk I dyed my hair red. And will start packing for my trip to New Mexico for my second anniversary STAT. And then…Florida…here I come. And baby, you better show me some sunshine and alcoholic drinks with umbrellas in them so large they shade my pale ass from the sun. The wonderful, wonderful sun. From here on out this winter I live by the mantra: “Global warming…that would be a convenient truth.”


See this face: this is the face of a woman who knows in two weeks- she will be able to feel her toes at all times.


*If it were possible, I would only title my blog posts with quotes from Sheldon on "Big Bang Theory."