Always wear expensive shoes. People notice.

Translation: men might also notice if you have a boob hanging out, too.

 Let me set the scene for this conversation:

Approximately one year ago, in my living room in front of a bottle of Riunite Lambrusco so large me and the fattest person you can think of would be able to swim in it, plus Richard Simmons (he just seems like the kind of guy who would have quite the collection of fun-noodles). My partner and crime and I are discussing the haul we just got earlier in the day at a shoe sale. I use my Freudian mojo to note the following:

Me: We’re just substituting one thing for another, Taren…shoes for sex, sex for shoes.

Taren: Yeah but which would you rather be thinking about right now? Shoes or sex?

Me: Sex.

Taren: Are you getting laid tonight?

Me: Well no, but I am wearing shoes.*

*I'd also like to note at this point I own over 200 pair of shoes, which is sadly waaaaayyy more than the amount of times I've had sex in the last calendar year. If I didn't know better/drink so much, I'd say I'm in dire need of help.