"Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice"

(Literal) Translation: If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.

(Von Devious) Translation: If you seek normalcy in Michigan, you're completely screwed. P.S. Our state motto, much like us, doesn't sound so bad at first, but would be more appropriate if it translated into 'Michigan- there's a whole helluva lotta hosers* here, eh?'

*For my Southern friends, a hoser is the redneck equivalent of the North. Needless to say I am faced with the possibility of running into at least 4.5 people with mullets on a daily basis, and 98% of the general population leaves the house in Lycra or pajamas (both of which are ALWAYS paired with Crocs, of course) and sees absolutely nothing wrong with this.


Which got me thinking (danger!), why the hell are the people here so weird? It goes beyond the people, it even goes beyond the mullet. Like any societal foundation, it starts with the laws.


Like this gem (all of the following mentioned are ACTUAL STATE LAWS, because I'm good people, but even I can't make this shit up):

"There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens."

 Brings to life a whole new outlook on being put in the "dog house."

"It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose."

Ah, so THAT'S why my pig was confiscated...next time I'll know better.

"Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony."

Ohhh where do I even begin with this one...I better not piss off any kids in the classroom in inner city Detroit or I will surely get shot, which surprisingly, is something I NEVER worried about in Texas. At least there we can all automatically assume we're armed. Now when those hoity-toity Democrats raise their eyebrows at me when I say I am from Texas/"that big ass state with all the shotguns," I have this little gem to throw in their face.

And the piece de resistance:

"Alligators may not be tied to fire hydrants."

...But Crocs should of course be worn on feet. Are alligators even geographically located in Michigan? Who the hell came up with this law? What was he smoking? Did he share? And most importantly- where the %^*& am I supposed to tie my damn alligator then?

 I'd like to note at this point I didn't even search for Michigan's road laws...oh no...those are so unbelievably retarded even Rain Man would question them. So of course, I am saving those for another post. And to be fair, Texas has some pretty stupid laws too, but at least we have the decency to not wear fuzzy pink slippers with flannel pj's to formal events there. Just sayin.