If you don’t like the weather in Texas, just wait a few minutes.

Translation: But if you don’t like it in Michigan- you’re shit out of luck. And I fear if the wind continues as it has up here, I am going to be blogging to you from Kansas by the end of this post. 70 mph gusts today, or as I like to call this weather- the mortal enemy of good hair.

I’ll admit, the only thing I am deathly more afraid of than spiders, are tornadoes. And along with all the rain and hot weather mix, I thought for sure I’d be a goner today. After 20 years of living in an area prone to tornadic activity, you tend to develop of sixth sense for impending doom when the sky looks…green (and when the weather channel forecasts a warning. Either way it’s all about the power of observation here, people).

I’d also like to note the area in Michigan I live in didn’t have tornadoes. Until I moved here. Then I actually witnessed one forming when I was in traffic and decided anything Tornado Alley could throw at me might have less of a propensity to make me wet my pants.

You know how the Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed until he blew the house down? Yeah, what with the shoddy workmanship of Michigan building standards if my house is still standing above ground in another hour I’ll truly be impressed. But so far I haven’t died, no tornadoes have come out of this crazy weather, and my hair actually looks decent…so I’d count all those things as a win.

But just call me Professor Von Devious today, because I bring you some insane facts about tornadoes that will blow you away (HAH!).

-The most powerful tornadoes on Earth occur in the US, and every 3 out of 4 tornadoes happen here, too (Well isn’t that comforting, I wonder it that tidbit of information is listed in the fine print area of the American Dream)

-A Tornado can occur at any time, but most often between 3pm and 9pm (when your main goal in life is causing utter chaos and destruction, I can see where having a rigorous work schedule would keep you ‘grounded’ …I’m on a roll)

-Sometimes multiple tornadoes form and travel together in swarms (Just like those mean, bitchy girls you always hated in high school)

-Knives and forks have been found embedded in tree trunks flung from a tornado (but if these utensils were found in a trailer park, I wouldn’t read too much into it…shit gets pretty wild in those things without the help of a natural disaster)

-Tornado winds are the fastest winds on Earth (Thereby making hurricanes look not quite so scary, so that’s a plus)

-A Tornado can sometimes hop along its path. It can destroy one house and leave the house next door untouched (Apparently Mother Nature was one of those bitchy girls I was talking about earlier, but with a better, more sarcastic sense of humor)

-The myth of opening the windows in a house to keep it from being destroyed in a tornado is false. In fact, opening the wrong windows could allow air to rush in and blow the house apart from the inside. (I’d like you all to take that in for a moment and then respond with a resounding: “No shit, Sherlock”)

All these facts were taken from www.tornado-facts.com …which I enjoyed perusing but I know it will haunt my dreams tonight. I wouldn’t be surprised if in one dream I ended up just chillin’ under a house with my feet and fabulous ruby red slippers sticking out from underneath it. Until that bitch Dorothy comes along and steals my Jimmy Choo's- then it’s on like Donkey Kong.