The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

Translation: Move over righties, this lefty is about to hit you with some knowledge.

First off, a big thanks to Mid 30’s Life for the one lovely blog award, if you haven’t read her…go check it out! Her link is right below the award. Yes, I’d like to draw focus to the award...sue me. Being sarcastic and witty is not as easy as I make it look, people.

Secondly, this is not a girlie post, but the whole reason this came to mind earlier is that I was painting my fingers and toes to get ready to go on vacation this weekend…and you see, much like my Aunt Anne (hello if you’re reading, miss you!), I suffer the curse of being left-handed, which makes virtually every task I do 15-20 times more difficult than it should be.

Did you know that approximately 2500 left-handed people a year die from using right-handed products? I know what you’re thinking, and no, we’re not retarded. But I dare you to try to use a pair of scissors backwards and upside down in order to cut a straight line…it’s no easy task folks.

Here are some things lefties suck at:

-Writing on a dry erase board. At work this is absolutely impossible for me to do without my arm being covered in smelly marker (at least they make fruity scented markers now), kind of giving the left side of my body the resemblance of a toddler whose been playing in mommy’s make up all morning. I decided in my classroom I’m picking a righty and making them do all my transcribing for me. Righties will be the new minions; much like pink is the new black.

-I’ve already covered how hard it is to use right-handed scissors; thank God they make lefty scissors now, too. Before the invention of left-handed scissors, my arts and crafts projects as a child looked like something an angry rhinoceros with a severe inferiority complex crafted (read: frustratingly ugly).

-According to Associated Content, lefties make up only 5-15 percent of the population. We’re unique. But not in the good way like double rainbows or snowflakes…more or less unique like Melvin the hypochondriac giraffe from the Madagascar movies, because we’re more prone to illness, migraines, insomnia, and allergies (we should be raised in bubbles).

-Serial killers are predominantly left-handed. I have no comment on this; I just thought all you righties would like to know pissing us off is a bad idea.

Now on the other side of the coin, things we’re better at than righties (you didn’t think I was going to not find a way to spin this in my favor, did you? If so…remember, I used to be a journalist, readers):

-We use a different side of our brains than righties, and because of that we are much more creative and complex thinkers (Da Vinci, Hendrix, Escher, Cobain- in your face).

-We’re more eloquent (you’re damn right we are...I never said we were less pretentious…ahem).

-We have our own holiday. Left Hander’s Day, August 13…mark it on your calendars, I expect gifts.

-Being a lefty offers you the element of surprise in sports, thereby making lefties better at things like tennis, baseball, and boxing. I also think our aggravation from being a lefty in a right-handed world helps tremendously here.

-Somehow, we manage to overcome the right-handed obstacles to succeed, awesomely. Studies have shown left-handed people have a higher average income than right-handers. So while you can use sharpie markers, a computer mouse, and live longer than we do…we’re too busy rolling our money like Scrooge McDuck to notice, so we have righties do that stuff for us anyway.

So in conclusion, being a lefty has its perks. While I’ve grown used to being called a South Paw or a weirdo (that probably has nothing to do with what hand I predominantly use), I like being left-handed. There are so few of us it’s kind of like belonging to a really exclusive club…like the chess club or AV department. You know, the kind no one really wants to admit belonging to, but in the event it pops up…it’s a damn good thing we’re loaded.