“Basically, I hate conformity.”

Translation: Why I just say NOprah.

I am one of five people on the face of this planet who absolutely abhors Oprah Winfrey. She’s never given me a free car, she’s accountable for the career of Dr. Phil (note the term doctor is used loosely here, as in- he isn’t one), and I’m pretty sure she’s responsible for Global Warming. Those last two items are things that are ruining our planet. Someone has to stop her before she causes the apocalypse.

I know what you’re thinking reader, “Miss Von Devious- you can’t openly bash Oprah in a public forum…she has…‘connections.’”

And to you I say- I used to be scared to hate on the Big O in public, for fear she has snipers on every roof top, or the meteorological capability to cause a tidal wave to crash down on me regardless of whether I’m near a beach, in a Walmart, or hiding her book club recommendations at Borders.

So what’s changed? Well my friends, Oprah’s reign of terror is finally coming to an end this season. No more couch jumping lunatics, advice from a woman who’s so rich she probably doesn’t even know how to operate a toaster, or use of the word ‘va-jayjay.’ How old are you again, Winfrey?

Inadvertently, I still picture her series finale coinciding with the end of the world. And it will go something like this:

“Everyone, look under your seats for you FREE PLUUUTONIUUUUUUMMM!!!!”
…and fade to black/massive explosions heard in background.

Yes, Oprah made a name for herself out of practically nothing and that is impressive, but all she ever seems to talk about is either being fat, or losing weight and remembering what it was like when she was fat. One more jerk on this yo-yo and you think the general population would be up to her tricks. But no, she cleverly circumvents this by giving her audience free trips to Australia (that turn out to be not so free after all) and other pretty sparkly things to distract them. Apparently her audience has the IQ of a greedy kitten.

Even her TV channel, the Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN (how fortuitous), is pompous. Since she’s such a philanthropist and started her own leadership academy schools, I believe it’d be more fitting if it was called the International Oprah Winfrey Network for Youth Organizations United, or I OWN YOU. Juuuust a thought.

But I am so happy to report I am not alone in this hate- a google search of “I hate Oprah” pulled up pages upon pages of yahoo support groups, facebook clubs, and other sites that gradually helped to restore my faith in humanity.

We can unite, people! No longer do we have to let this mogul tell us what to read, who to elect for president, or what’s hot this season (the woman does not dress herself- wear white whenever the hell you want to, but avoid purple pleather pants..that’s a given).

And while I enjoy using the "Oprah voice" for excitingly gaudy conversations, I am now a proud member of about 36 different anti-Oprah clubs. Wendy Williams is where it’s at, anyhow…that woman can DRESS. And I’ve learned really essential things from her, like beef jerky tastes better when heated up with a bic, and that when I say “how YOU doin’” as a tiny white girl, people will not take me seriously.

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So eventually there will come a time when Oprah will be but a distant memory. And aside from you and me, loyal reader…I feel the real victims in all of this are Gayle and Steadman.