Saturday, October 2, 2010

“Basically, I hate conformity.”

Translation: Why I just say NOprah.

I am one of five people on the face of this planet who absolutely abhors Oprah Winfrey. She’s never given me a free car, she’s accountable for the career of Dr. Phil (note the term doctor is used loosely here, as in- he isn’t one), and I’m pretty sure she’s responsible for Global Warming. Those last two items are things that are ruining our planet. Someone has to stop her before she causes the apocalypse.

I know what you’re thinking reader, “Miss Von Devious- you can’t openly bash Oprah in a public forum…she has…‘connections.’”

And to you I say- I used to be scared to hate on the Big O in public, for fear she has snipers on every roof top, or the meteorological capability to cause a tidal wave to crash down on me regardless of whether I’m near a beach, in a Walmart, or hiding her book club recommendations at Borders.

So what’s changed? Well my friends, Oprah’s reign of terror is finally coming to an end this season. No more couch jumping lunatics, advice from a woman who’s so rich she probably doesn’t even know how to operate a toaster, or use of the word ‘va-jayjay.’ How old are you again, Winfrey?

Inadvertently, I still picture her series finale coinciding with the end of the world. And it will go something like this:

“Everyone, look under your seats for you FREE PLUUUTONIUUUUUUMMM!!!!”
…and fade to black/massive explosions heard in background.

Yes, Oprah made a name for herself out of practically nothing and that is impressive, but all she ever seems to talk about is either being fat, or losing weight and remembering what it was like when she was fat. One more jerk on this yo-yo and you think the general population would be up to her tricks. But no, she cleverly circumvents this by giving her audience free trips to Australia (that turn out to be not so free after all) and other pretty sparkly things to distract them. Apparently her audience has the IQ of a greedy kitten.

Even her TV channel, the Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN (how fortuitous), is pompous. Since she’s such a philanthropist and started her own leadership academy schools, I believe it’d be more fitting if it was called the International Oprah Winfrey Network for Youth Organizations United, or I OWN YOU. Juuuust a thought.

But I am so happy to report I am not alone in this hate- a google search of “I hate Oprah” pulled up pages upon pages of yahoo support groups, facebook clubs, and other sites that gradually helped to restore my faith in humanity.

We can unite, people! No longer do we have to let this mogul tell us what to read, who to elect for president, or what’s hot this season (the woman does not dress herself- wear white whenever the hell you want to, but avoid purple pleather pants..that’s a given).

And while I enjoy using the "Oprah voice" for excitingly gaudy conversations, I am now a proud member of about 36 different anti-Oprah clubs. Wendy Williams is where it’s at, anyhow…that woman can DRESS. And I’ve learned really essential things from her, like beef jerky tastes better when heated up with a bic, and that when I say “how YOU doin’” as a tiny white girl, people will not take me seriously.


So eventually there will come a time when Oprah will be but a distant memory. And aside from you and me, loyal reader…I feel the real victims in all of this are Gayle and Steadman.


  1. That was brilliant, loved it!! I don't have a strong opinion on the lady herself, but that made me laugh. Good one.

  2. Ahmen kate von! I too believe the "O" is an antichrist of our society. Anyoneone that can influence the masses into hysterias over some janky product is over rated. And yes the true victims are her hetero- life mate Steadman and her lover Gayle. Sigh....

  3. 30s...glad you enjoyed it!

    Manders, I'm so glad you're my hetero life partner. haha

  4. I'm just here to let you know that I totally support your cause. Down with Oprah-she picks out shitty books and all the covers look the same which upsets me to no end. Also it really annoyed me years and years ago when she could not watch that scene from Interview w/a Vampire b/c it was too violent and she started to cry. I wanted very very badly to slap her. Just sayin.

  5. let out the's ok. We need an Oprah whack-a-mole App to be created.

  6. Lol, I don't hate Oprah, because I don't really care much about her. I do think it's silly how people let their worlds revolve around her, though. I don't watch Oprah or anything, and I never really have, but it's another one of those examples where normal people in society have to hang off the words of someone wealthy. I guess people see her as someone who must obviously know what she's doing or be a great person simply because of money. I don't know. I respect her in a sense that she was able to make herself so powerful, but I don't agree with how society views her, and I don't fault her for it. Or, put it this way, I won't say it's her fault. I blame society for being so drawn into crap like that. For example, how on Channel E, we have a thirty minute show, followed by ANOTHER 30 minute show that revolves around "celebrity news". Why do we care? Is that REALLY vital to our lives? I mean, gah.
    I think I rambled a little too much, but I did enjoy that you spoke your mind and didn't hold anything back. People need to be more open minded and more outspoken.

  7. Ramble on, Lauren! I like your take on the subject...I definitely think we live in a celebrity obsessed culture, and Oprah just happens to be one of the biggest figureheads for it. An easy target, yes, but society idolizes her in a way I just can't understand!

  8. Yeah, totally :D I think people have really lost what life is all about these days.

  9. I didn't know that such an evil creature could have existed on the surface of our beloved planet, until I read your post and googled it up a bit. I felt violated at first, but now when I have pulled my self together, I have only one question. Where do I sign up?
    That aside I have really enjoyed reading this post.

  10. Webster, if you need a hug I understand. haha. Thanks for reading!!

  11. I adored this post - absolutely fantastic! I wrote one on Oprah too can check it out at if you so choose. Where do you find your anti-Oprah clubs...I'd love to join one! :) And congrats on your One Lovely Blog Award by the way...I can see it's very well-deserved!

  12. I was compelled to follow you Tracey, after reading your current blog on TLC. Love it!

    I received a One Lovely Blog award? Where?!?! I was unaware!

  13. Sorry I thought I had left you a comment, actually I'm certain I did write it but must have got sidetracked and never actually posted it. I think when I see word verification I tend to just stop.

    Anyway, the award was from me. SURPRISE!!

  14. Its ok..I hate captcha too. But thank you so much!!! I am honored!


Please indulge me, and leave a little feedback! I like knowing I'm not the only person in the world with thoughts this random. You are not required to be on blogger to comment, or registered in any way. Also, I got rid of that annoying Captcha (I'm convinced it was created by the devil).