“Why is it drug addicts and computer aficionados are both called users?”

Translation: I got a monkey on my back, and if I don’t get my fix…it’s gonna be ugly.

Sidebar: Well it seems one of the points I mentioned in my previous blog over being left handed is incredibly true. I have been sick for over a week now with insane allergies. Allergies that ruined my long weekend getaway and will more than likely be the death of me. But I’m glad what I am writing to you, indeed has the appearance of being true? However, I type to you today not to discuss the amount of Kleenex’s I have used in the past seven days, but of my ever growing addiction to the Facebook game, Frontierville.

…what a foolish thing to blog about, you say? Well, apparently you’ve never had the desire to tame the Wild West. This is either because as a child, you were one of the very few people who ever beat Oregon Trail, or you live under a rock and have never heard of Facebook.

There are so many FB apps nowadays it is absolutely ridiculous. I used to scoff at (nay, de-friend) the people who would send me relentless requests to water their crops on Farmville, or feed their fishies in Fishville (seriously Zynga, try branching out when you name games. Adding –ville to everything doesn’t automatically make it fun. Lobotomyville? Auditville? Cancerville? I’m not buying it). But seriously, these people are more relentless when it comes to Facebook messaging to better their game level than door-to-door Mormons with a recruitment quota.

…and I’ve become one of them. I’m not sure what it is exactly about Frontierville I like so much. Is it the customizable buildings? The fact that I can shoot cannons to blow up predators? Visit my neighbors to chop down the trees they’re obviously using as décor just to be mean? Probably all of these things. It’s like a sick, twisted addiction. I log on Facebook every few hours to check and see if people have sent me the hammers I requested to build my Jackalope Lodge. If they haven’t, I no longer consider us on “good terms…” I’m building an empire here people; anyone who gets in the way will be crushed.

But when I log into the game and I’ve completed a task on my checklist it’s like sweet relief comes flooding through my veins. I’m amped. Charged up and ready to master the next thing that comes my way.

I used to think, ‘Oh hell, it looks like I’m gonna have to bother even more people in order to fulfill the requirements to finish the next one.’

And now, I could absolutely care less about how insane my demands are, and whether or not I have completely plastered them all over your live feed. SUBMIT TO MY WILL!

…Clearly, I need help. I’ve tried going days without the game but I always come back to it- like Paris Hilton to cocaine, old people to a Walmart, Germans to their sausage. I can’t quit you, Frontierville. I think a heroin addiction might be easier to kick. Do they have support groups for FB game addicts? They should. I think I might try Googling ‘Zynga Rehab for people on the verge of alienating every single Facebook friend they have,’ and see if I yield any results.

But if you don’t hear from me in a couple days, know that I have had no luck, and resumed my quest to virtually manage the Wild West whilst taking no prisoners. It’s a dirty game, but someone’s got to play it. I’m like the John Wayne of Frontierville.

...Except I’m a woman.
...And I’m obviously allergic to the outdoors in real life.
...And I never beat Oregon Trail as a child.
So someone pass me a box of Kleenex, I’ve got foxes to shoot.